I don’t mean to be overly dramatic, but you know when people say their lives flash before them right before they die? I had a taste of that this morning.
Five o'clock in the morning, heading to the airport, leaving my family behind at home sound asleep…I couldn’t stop crying during that 25 minute drive. All these emotions flooded every nook and cranny of my entire being. All these memories of childhood, growing up, family, friends, my grandmother flashed before me. Yes, I probably shouldn’t have continued to drive, but I couldn’t miss my flight.
Bloody crap, it’s really happening! I knew this time would come, just never really hit me until now. We are moving to China in less than 2 months! I am going there, now, to finalize details before our official transition in March?! That’s crazy! I just quit my job, officially, last week. Selling off our cars. Consolidating all our belongings to a couple of suitcases. Taking care of our home. Kingston and Fiona winding down their time at a school we really like. OMG.
I have never been so scared in my entire life. Yes, I know how I “should” feel. Be anxious of nothing. God is in control. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.” Story after story, testimony after testimony in scripture (and in our lives) speak of how He delivers! However, our flesh is weak…and mine is weak today.
It’s been challenging enough going through all these changes, and facing it all head-on. What has made it even more difficult, though, something we never expected is that we’ve gotten a lot of discouragement from people, many who are very close to us. It’s actually made me even second guess His calling for us, at times. I would think:
Did I really quit my job? Is that smart? I worked so hard, and struggled so much for that stupid degree, wanting to quit multiple times…did I really just walk away after crossing the “finish line” not too long ago? Are we really doing this? Did I just give up great health insurance for my kids, in exchange for pitiful missionary coverage? Are we really leaving our church community, people we’ve met that are like an extension of our own family? Friends and family in Ohio we’ll be leaving behind. The luxuries of a comfortable home and not having to worry, at all, about finances. Are we really choosing a life of complete uncertainty? Am I doing the right thing for my kids?
I’m so thankful for a wife that is unwavering. I’m so thankful that she has so much faith that He will see us through, and that this is the RIGHT and ONLY decision for us.
Right before I reached the airport, Aaron Shust’s song, My Savior My God, came on. That song got me through some difficult times many many years ago, and the words still ring powerful to me today.
"I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed what God has planned…My Savior loves, my Savior lives, my Savior’s always there for me. My God he was, my God he is, my God he’s always gonna be…"
I need to remember that I'm not walking this alone, today or forever. I should take solace in the fact that my father in heaven has called me to walk with him!
Dan